Five weeks...yet it seems that every day is a struggle...a struggle to adapt to the reality that my mom is no longer on this earth. It is a pain that I have never experienced, and one that is relentless in how it attacks. My mom was so much more than a mom...she was a devoted friend, a cheerleader, a bright spot, a smile with a soul. Mom taught me so much about life, myself, and about real faith. She taught me how to love big...because everyone she loved, she loved so well. If Bonnie loved you...you knew it, and you never doubted it. She taught me how to be positive, and to be someone that energizes others. She always said, "do you want to be an energy drain or an energy fountain?" She taught me to not be afraid to be silly or spontaneous...as demonstrated by the countless songs she made up and sang when we were little. Mom taught me how to be polite and respectful, and the value of good work ethic. She taught me that people don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care. She taught me to love coffee, and I will cherish my memories of drinking coffee with her as a child. In high school, I got up at 5:30 to drink coffee with her while we had our "quiet times"...another thing she taught me how to do! Mom taught me to appreciate the South and the friendliness that comes with it. She taught me to appreciate your heritage and where you come from...because it is the people in our lives that influence us into the people we become. She taught me patience as she endured my 28 "I love yous" at bedtime as she went down the stairs. She taught me to love Gone with the Wind and Andy Griffith. She taught me the importance of beautiful cursive and she wanted so badly to teach my kids "proper handwriting". She taught me to show gratitude and taught me how to write a proper thank you note at a very early age. She taught me how to cook, how to bake, but mostly how to bring people together over something you had prepared. Mom didn't just invite people over for a meal...she invited them over for a beautifully decorated table full of matching place mats, napkins, napkin rings, and little treats she had made for each place setting. She taught me to make holidays special...especially Christmas. She taught me that Christmas is a feeling...not just a day of the year. She taught me how to shop and to bargain hunt...as this was one of her many talents! She taught me that it doesn't matter if you wear name brands or Wal-Mart brands, but rather to wear it with confidence. She did not put any emphasis on "designer names" or "fancy cars", but rather her focus was on being true to who you are. Mom wasn't fancy in the eyes of society, and she never owned a purse that didn't come from TJ Maxx, but her beautiful and infectious personality was certainly that of designer quality. She could light up a grocery store line, simply by being in it. She was always talking to the person in front of her in line, while thanking the clerk for doing his/her job. She taught me kindness in such a true form. She was kind to everyone she came in contact with, and it is through her vivacious, loving personality that others would notice that she had something special...and that was the love of Christ. At Mom's service we discussed the fact that Mom was not someone who was just walking up to everyone she met asking them if they knew Jesus as their Savior, but rather the way the lived her life, she had others seeking to find what she had already found. Her life was truly embodied by the following quote: "live in such a way that those who know you, but don't know God, will come to know God because they know you". This was her....and she taught me that, whether she knew she was "teaching" me or not. Daughters watch their Mamas...and I never stopped watching her. Even in her death, I watched her handle her pain with such grace as she tried to not complain. I watched her approach her cancer with hope, but also with trust...as she knew who held her days. I watched her strength as she fought so hard to beat the cancer that was invading her precious body. I watched her courage as she held my hand and cried telling me she wanted to fight so she could see my "little ones" grow up. I watched her continue to demonstrate the remarkable love of a mother when she reached for my face, while lying in pain, to tell me one last time, "I love you to pieces". She never wavered in showing her love to all of us...or in showing her love for her Lord and Savior. Mom taught me so much...simply by modeling it before me. I cannot begin to lists the countless ways she impacted my life, or all the things she taught me. The only thing my amazing mama didn't teach me, was how to live without her. It's amazing how many things I have wanted to ask her, or call her about, in the last five weeks. There are days I reach for my phone, only to be smacked in the face with the cruel reminder that she is gone...and my heart aches. While mom couldn't have prepared me for the pain and loss I would feel without her, she provided me endless love that I know will carry me through the most painful of days ahead. What a gift that she loved us all so unconditionally, so outwardly, and with such joy! While I cannot hear her voice in the physical sense; I can hear her words, and can feel her love, in the way I love my own children. I know that the countless times I tell my kids how much I love them, is really all the love I received from her being poured out on them. She gave me so much love, and it's through love that I feel her presence the most. She was married to my sweet daddy for 48 years, and I am so grateful that she taught me how to be a loving, devoted, Godly wife. She taught me what giving grace looks like...and that forgiveness is a gift, and one we should give freely. I could not be more proud to be Bonnie's daughter, and I have cherished all of the beautiful messages I have received from those who knew her. She impacted the lives of so many through her contagious smile, her infectious joy, and her kind, loving spirit. Thank you to everyone who has been there to walk this journey with me...and our entire family. Writing has always been a bit "therapeutic" for me...so I hope y'all will bear with me as I write about the most amazing woman I have even known. I love you mama...and I'm missing you like crazy.
