Dear Angel Girl

Dear Angel Girl/Livi, 

I intended to write you at 6 months, but it just didn't happen...so instead I'm writing to you at 7 months and 6 days:)  Livi, you are growing up way too fast and while I feel like I missed your newborn phase due to the "fog" I was in, I am determined not to let another phase of your precious life pass me by.  You have grown up so much in these short 7 months!  You started sitting up on your own around 6-6.5 months and this is also when you finally decided to give solid foods a try:)  You are "army crawling" all over the place and can roll across the entire living room in no time at all!  You are truly one of THE happiest babies I've ever seen!  You smile when anyone talks to you, and the smile is combined with a turning of your head into your shoulder as if you're shy...which you certainly are not!  You smile the most at your daddy, and it is already very obvious that you are going to be a Daddy's girl.  You light up when he walks into the room...and so does he!  It was obvious to me, very early on, that your sweet Daddy was going to dote on you in a way he doesn't dote on your big brother.  Don't feel bad for Will though because I give him lots of extra doting:)  You giggle so much at your big brother and y'all are starting to interact a lot more...which is so fun for me to watch!  You are the first thing Will talks about when he wakes up in the morning, "Where's Libi?"  He hasn't quite mastered your name, but he loves to say it!  He also calls you "sister" and "Sissy Poo" a lot...I'm afraid to say that "Sissy Poo" may stick!  Your daddy and I continue to call you "Livi Lou" and it has certainly stuck!  I have gotten into the habit of calling you "Angel Girl"...perhaps that's because that's what Neeno and Doc called me.  Will loves you, but that doesn't mean that he always treats you appropriately...he has still lived up to the role of big brother by giving you smacks to the head and snatching every toy you want to play with :)

You are now sleeping upstairs in your own room...finally!  I was afraid to move you for the longest because I feared your crying would wake Will up, but I finally decided to risk it and so far, so good!  You wake up 1-2 times a night (just like your brother always did).  You are a very early riser and your sweet Daddy is usually the one to take the early morning shift.  Daddy says it's because he goes to bed early, he can handle the getting up early...but secretly I think he just loves that time with you...when everything is quiet and it's just y'all.  I can hear him in the mornings talking to you...and oh my Livi, your Daddy is smitten!!!  I cannot tell you how smitten we all are with you sweet girl!  You have completed our family in such a perfect and precious way.  I cannot imagine a day without you in it.  I was rocking you to sleep two nights ago and began praying over you while we rocked.  My prayers began in thanking God for you...and then they went to praying for your future.  I prayed that you would be a Godly young woman who not only knows the Lord intimately, but one who is bold in her faith-being wise in the word of God.  We had your baptism two weeks ago and I shared with our pastor the "life verse" we chose for you, to pray over you forever.  It is from Colossians 1:9-14.   "For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.  For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins".

In addition to praying for the kind of woman I pray you grow up to be, I also started praying for your husband...and that left me sobbing like a baby leaving your nursery!  


Livi, there are no words to adequately describe how much my heart loves you!!!  I truly do not believe that you will ever fully understand the depth of my love for you and for Will until you become a mother one day...and then you will understand why your Mommy told you 107 times a day how much she loves you.  I am a very realistic mommy in understanding that I will fail you and Will in some way...and probably multiple ways, however, the one thing I promise not to fail y'all at is loving you.  I love you Angel Girl and I am so humbled and honored that the Lord chose me, and only me, to be your mommy.  I am so unworthy of both you and Will, and it is that unworthiness that will keep me looking to the Lord for guidance every day that I am your mommy.  Happy 7 months sweet girl!  

Love you to the moon and back, 
Mommy

My heart is so happy!

Dear Will and Livi,

I am combining your letters this time because y'all are keeping your mommy so busy that I haven't had time to write each of you.  I want to begin by telling both of you how incredibly blessed I am to be your mommy.  There are days that I look at the two of you and my eyes well up with tears because I feel so undeserving to be your mommy.  There are truly no words for a mother to describe the love she has for her babies...so when y'all read this (when y'all are all grown up) please understand that this is the reason I tell you both ALL the time how much I love you.  I sometimes find myself sounding like a broken record :)-and ask me what a record is because you probably won't know.  Ha!  

Will-you are a little chatterbox these days!  For a child that started talking "late" you are certainly making up for lost time and words. I love watching you take it all in and love watching you learn new words and new concepts.  You are now sleeping in a "big boy" bed! We moved you into a big boy bed shortly after you woke me up standing at the side of our bed-you apparently dove right out of your crib and found your way all the way down the stairs in the night...only to scare the you know what out of your poor mama...so we sent you to Neeno and Doc's house and we began Project Big Boy Room!  The first night you were a bit reluctant about your new bed, so you slept in your old crib...but night number two was a success and every night since then has been too!  

You have really taken to all of your stuffed animals lately and you sleep with a small army of friends consisting of Mickey Mouse, Winnie The Pooh, Elmer the elephant, Mr. Snowman that you named Olaf, puppies of course (your loveys), a blue elephant, Harvey the dog, your baby doll (that you call "Libby!"), Mr. Monkey, Mr. "Raff" (a giraffe), and a huge Elmo doll.  You are so detail-minded that you know if any one of them is missing!  You are sooo very detail-minded and you hate for anything to be broken.  If something is broken, you talk about it non-stop until it's fixed.  I have decided  that you are going to be an engineer one day so you can fix things all day long :)  In the last few weeks, you have started saying your prayers with us at night, and have started singing all of our bedtime songs with us.  Your favorites currently are "you are my sunshine", "this little light of mine" and "Jesus loves me".  Your favorite foods continue to be cheese, fruit snacks, yogurt covered raisins, otter pops, and pasta salad-you especially love to pick out the feta cheese.  You LOVE diggers, big trucks, and all things machinery.  

You and your daddy have started a tradition of going to the farmer's market together on Saturday mornings and you love this so.  Daddy has emerged as your hero and you cry during the day asking where daddy is....and this breaks your mommy's heart watching you cry for him because there is absolutely nothing I can do to make it better.  The good thing is, you are extra excited to see his truck pull up outside-and you stand on the stairs to watch out the front door for him.  It's absolutely precious.  You have just started to really love your little sister.  The first thing you do in the mornings is come downstairs asking "where's Libby?"  You haven't quite mastered your "v" sound so she is "Libby" for now :)  You lay on the floor with her and make her smile all the time.  She coos so much when you come around.  I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see how much y'all already love each other.  I truly believe that a sibling is a gift and I pray every day that y'all cherish your sibling relationship.   

Livi-you continue to be one of the sweetest, happiest babies around.  You wake up smiling and you are so laid back...most of the time :) 

 I think you may be cutting your first teeth now (at 5 months tomorrow) and I think it's making you hurt...because you're a lot more fussy than you've ever been-but even your fussiest isn't all that bad.  I tried introducing you to "real" food two weeks ago but you wanted nothing of it...so I waited until last week and it was the same refusal, so I am going to try again this week.  You love to jump in your activity center toy and you can stand on my legs for so long!  You are still not able to sit up all by yourself but you're getting very close!  I blame that on your lack of tummy time...but every time I try tummy time, your brother tries to roll you over-so you don't get a ton of it!  You LOVE to be talked to and you practically dance when we talk to you, you get so excited.  Your hair is starting to thicken up and you may be ready for a bow in a few months...which as a girl you can appreciate:)  You love watching Praise Baby and sometimes this is the only thing that will settle you down when you are being fussy.  Will likes to watch with you and this makes my heart swell.  You and Will are both going to Moms Morning Out two mornings a week and your teachers are so sweet to you!  You always get a good report.  Your daddy and I call you "Livi Lou" for some unknown reason...but it has stuck, so you'll probably always be our little Livi Lou, just as Will will always be our Will Bug.  I have to confess that sometimes Daddy calls you "Livers" and "Livi Louskey"...so I apologize in advance if either of those stick too!  You get prettier every day and your eyes are big and blue just like your big brother's!  I love looking at y'all's sweet expressive eyes!  

I love you both so much!!!  I pray that neither of you will ever doubt our love for y'all...and above all, I pray you each come to know the love of Christ.  I am praying boldly for each of you and the world you will grow up in.  I wish I could promise you that it's going to be easy to be a believer, but I cannot...because every day our world seems to get a little darker.  What I do know is that the darker it gets, the more we need to shine for our Savior....so as I sing to y'all, "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine", please remember our calling to be a light to the world and to shine like stars for Jesus.  I know I will fail you as a mother, but at whatever stage in your life you read these letters from me, cling to this-love Jesus and shine for him daily...in all that you do.  He is the only one who won't ever let you down...and the only one you need.  I love you Will and Livi!!!  Will-every night before bed I ask you, "what do you do to Mommy's heart?" and you say "HAPPY!"  That is true of both of you!-y'all make my heart so happy!!!  

Love, Mommy 

When there are no words...

I just watched my 25 month old son leave with his daddy to go get a watermelon...and watched the sheer joy on his face as he waved bye to me, so excited to be riding in "daddy's twuck".  My son loves me, but there is something so unique and special about the bond he has with his daddy...his hero.  In that moment, my mind went to the precious little boy in Georgia(Cooper)- who just weeks ago, left with his daddy to go to Chick fil A and school...probably experiencing the same joy and excitement that I just witnessed.  My mind cannot stop thinking about him and my heart cannot stop grieving for him.  My heart is literally in agony as I consider what that innocent little angel experienced. I cannot imagine the physical torture that he endured...but it's the emotional torture that haunts me the most.  I think about him crying out for his daddy.  I think about him wondering why his daddy, a man he probably idolized, was not coming to save him.  I am literally tormented by these thoughts...and I did not even know this child.  I cannot even begin to imagine what those who loved this little boy are feeling...his grandparents, his aunts, his uncles, his cousins, his daycare workers, his friends' parents, and so on and so on.  

The story of Cooper Harris is haunting to me.  I know and understand that we live in an evil world and there are stories of horror every day, but this one has shown me evil on a whole new level.  I recognize that Ross Harris has not been tried and it is not my place to deem him guilty...that is between him and The Lord...but I am basing this on the information presented yesterday-and the idea that he intentionally left his child to die an excruciating death in a hot car.  I was one of those that truly believed that it HAD to be an accident, because I could not wrap my mind around the idea that anyone could do that to their own child, on purpose.  A CHILD...a gift from God...a child that loves you regardless of who you are...a child that looks to you for love and protection...a child who has been entrusted to you by a gracious God...a child that wants nothing more than to make you happy and to experience that same happiness...a child that loves to give sloppy kisses...a child that loves to be held...a child that loves to read stories...a child that gets excited about life...a child that lights up when they see you...a child that gives you hugs...a child that is a sponge for your affection and attention.  HOW could this have been anything more than an accident??!  There are no words to explain how someone could do such a sinister act of cruelty to a helpless child...much less their own child.

As I watched and listened to the detective share the facts of the case yesterday, I began to dwell on this even more and realized that it was in fact possible.  We live in a sinful and fallen world and stories like this make me all the more aware of how the devil comes to conquer and destroy.  As it says in 1 Peter 5:8, "the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to destroy". We live in a world full of pain...so I am oh so thankful to have a Savior that I know is in control...even in the darkest of stories.  I have found myself praying specifically for our society after what I heard yesterday...praying for our country to turn to Jesus.  I feel like this story has disturbed me to the core because it hits so close to home...being that he is from Tuscaloosa, and I have friends who know him personally.  Friends who vouched for him and believed there was no way he was capable of such a heinous and unimaginable act.  If this story has affected me to the magnitude that it has, then I can only imagine what those who knew him are feeling.  Praying today for all of those affected by this tragic and unnecessary loss...

Psalm 9:

I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart;
    I will tell of all your wonderful deeds. I will be glad and rejoice in you;
    I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High.

My enemies turn back;
    they stumble and perish before you.

For you have upheld my right and my cause,
    sitting enthroned as the righteous judge. You have rebuked the nations and destroyed the wicked;
    you have blotted out their name for ever and ever.

Endless ruin has overtaken my enemies,
    you have uprooted their cities;
    even the memory of them has perished. 

The Lord reigns forever;
    he has established his throne for judgment. He rules the world in righteousness
    and judges the peoples with equity. The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
    a stronghold in times of trouble.
 Those who know your name trust in you,
    for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.

 Sing the praises of the Lord, enthroned in Zion;
    proclaim among the nations what he has done.
 For he who avenges blood remembers;
    he does not ignore the cries of the afflicted.

 Lord, see how my enemies persecute me!
    Have mercy and lift me up from the gates of death,
 that I may declare your praises
    in the gates of Daughter Zion,
    and there rejoice in your salvation.

 The nations have fallen into the pit they have dug;
    their feet are caught in the net they have hidden.
 The Lord is known by his acts of justice;
    the wicked are ensnared by the work of their hands.
 The wicked go down to the realm of the dead,
    all the nations that forget God.

But God will never forget the needy;
    the hope of the afflicted will never perish.

Arise, Lord, do not let mortals triumph;
    let the nations be judged in your presence.

Strike them with terror, Lord;
    let the nations know they are only mortal.

Dear Livi...2 months.

Dear Livi,

Welcome to the world sweet girl!  I am so late in writing your first letter (10 weeks to be exact), but better late than never!  You arrived, as expected, on April 14th (4-14-14).  

Daddy and I got to the hospital bright and early in the pouring down rain.  Mommy hated that so many of our friends and family would be driving in such awful weather to meet you, but everyone wanted to be there for the "announcement". We did not find out what we were having with you so it was not until the day of your arrival that we found out if you were an "Olivia Trice" or a "Matthew Holloway". 

Neeno came down the night before to stay with us so that she could keep Will and bring him to the hospital to meet his new sibling.  I was so anxious the morning you came because in not knowing what you were, I did not feel like I had bonded with you on the same level that I had with Will.  I was able to pray for Will by name, and talk to him by name and decorate his room accordingly.  All of my anxiety was gone the minute I laid eyes on you...and letting it be a surprise was one of the most memorable moments of my life.  As I laid on the operating table, I waited for Daddy to make the announcement (Dr. Chwe had informed Daddy that he would have the honors of telling me).  I laid there staring at the clock (needed a focal point because my blood pressure dropped and I was nauseated to all get out), and I began to hear excitement as you were being pulled out.  Daddy said, "It's a"....(enter long pause as your daddy waited to get a good shot to make his determination, "girl, a baby girl!"  Oh Livi!!!-my heart was so full and complete when I heard this! I knew that this would be our last baby so I was secretly praying it was a girl because I really wanted to have one of each.  The nurse brought you around the blue sheet and you were so beautiful!-all 6 pounds and 9 ounces of you!  

I laid there thanking God for your health and for the gift of another child...and I felt my mind drift to Will.  I wondered how he would react, how he would be feeling and felt helpless that I couldn't be with him when he saw you.  Will was excited to see you and gave you lots of "love"-meaning he leaned his big ol' head into yours:)  

Will did not stay long because he was getting so restless and the weather was to get bad again after lunch, and I wanted him to get on back to Birmingham with Neeno and Doc.  Daddy did a great job making the big announcement (we have it on video to show you one day) and I think Neeno won the award for screaming the loudest! 
We got to take you home 3 days later (we stayed the full time due to you being jaundiced and losing weight).  You went home weighing 6 pounds 2 ounces...a teeny tiny little bundle of joy!  From the very beginning you were a totally different baby than your big brother.  The biggest difference???-you slept!!!  A feat your big brother did not master until he was almost a year old!  I had prayed for you to have a laid-back disposition, like your daddy, because I knew if you were a fireball like your brother that you and Will would butt heads...and I did not want that.  I want you and your brother to be so close and I am praying for that!  I know y'all won't understand this until your much older, but I wanted to give you both the "gift" of a sibling, because it's a gift that I am forever grateful for!  I just cannot say enough how thankful I am to the Lord for both of you!  The love of Christ is so overwhelming because I am so undeserving and yet He provided me with such amazing blessings.  The two of you are living images of God's grace and I cherish you both in immeasurable ways.  To say that I am honored to be a mother is the greatest understatement there will ever be...
As I sit hear crying as a type, I want to tell you one thing that I want to stay with you forever. I will fail you as a mother and I will let you down (because there are no perfect parents), but I promise a day will not go by when you do not know how much you are loved.  I promise to saturate you in love and to guide you to the One who IS perfect...and who will never let you down, Jesus Christ.  Please remember these words when I won't let you wear something, or when I am short with you, or when I deny you the pair of jeans you "have" to have.  Please remember that no matter what, I love you and always will.  Okay, so now onto something that doesn't leave me in a puddle.  

There are some things that I have noticed about you already...you are very laid back (like your daddy). You have survived so many tantrums going on around you by Will, who is not adjusting very well to a younger sibling. He has made several attempts to take you out with his foot or matchbox car, but so far we have managed to protect you:)  You have huge blue eyes like your big brother.  You have super long toes like your mommy-which your daddy hates because you can pinch with your toes!  You love to smile and starting "cooing" at around 5 weeks.  You are doing great holding your head up and sat in a Bumbo seat at around 7 weeks!-way earlier than big brother-of course in Will's defense, he had a huge noggin':)  You absolutely love to be talked to and I feel this is probably just the left hemisphere thinking girl in you!  You did not get to wear your pretty gowns that I love very long because you are such a kicker and hated getting your feet stuck in them:(  I can't wait to watch as your little personality develops!  

I love you "Livi Lou" and am so grateful to have been chosen to be your mommy!  
Love always and forever, 
Mommy

Dear Will...

Dear Will,

I cannot believe that you will be two years old this Friday!  I truly cannot put into words how magnificent these two years of being your mommy have been.  It has been six weeks since we brought Livi home from the hospital and you became a BIG brother!  

The days before we went to the hospital I looked at you and still saw my "baby"...but when we got home I realized that you were no longer a baby, but a bright eyed little toddler that was becoming more and more independent.  You did not transition to Livi as well as I had hoped, but six weeks later I can see how much you have matured and am already seeing what a wonderful big brother you're going to be to her.  You act annoyed with her when I have to feed her or tend to her...but when Livi cries you yell, "baby cry!"  I have even witnessed you trying to put her pacifier in her mouth for her...which I find to be quite adorable!  When you wake up in the morning and come downstairs you immediately begin looking for her in all of her usual spots-the bouncy seat, the swing...and if she's not there you run to our bedroom to look at her in her little rock and play.  I truly believe that you are already taking on the role of protector as her big brother and you want to make sure she's "okay".  

Easter morning before church...

You are talking up a storm lately and I love it!  You are starting to put two and three word sentences together too and some of them are rather amusing such as "baby poop".  You love to read books and your current favorites include "The Little Blue Truck", "Goodnight Moon"(you like to find the mouse on all of the colored pages), "Tractors" and "The Big Red Barn".  You have started asking to sing "Jesus"(for Jesus Loves Me) and "star" for twinkle twinkle a whole lot, and you even try to sing with us-Daddy loves to hear you sing!  You love all things machinery-diggers and bulldozers, and you love dirt and rocks, etc.  You are truly ALL boy!  

Your favorite foods are cheese, fruit snacks, tomatoes, and fruit.  You don't love meat but you will devour the roast beef out of an Arby's sandwich:)  You have just learned how to play Simon Says and it is so cute watching you play this-especially when you try to jump!  You love watching "The Wiggles" and you still love "Praise Baby".  The Wiggles are the first show you have ever sat down to watch and on occasion you will sit with me on the couch and snuggle with me to watch them. You still love your "puppies" and cannot sleep without them.  In addition to your puppies, you now have to sleep with "Mick Mick(Mickey Mouse) and "Poo Poo"(Pooh Bear) and "Haaavey"(which is a little chevron print dog that Neeno gave you that you named after her dog).  I am writing all of these specifics down because I know one day I will not remember all of the little things that made you who you are at this age.  I won't remember how fast you can slide down the stairs.  I won't remember you learning to count on your fingers.  I won't remember you getting so excited when you find the mouse on all of the pages of your book.  I won't remember how you hold up one finger and say "one morz" when you want another package of fruit snacks.  I won't remember the way you beat your little chest and say "pweeze" when you want something really badly.  I won't remember how many precious smiles you have.  I won't remember your fish face that you think is so funny.  I won't remember the way you say "hey mommy" and get right up in my face with your sweet little innocent grin after you've gotten in trouble for something.  I won't remember how precious you are when you "give love". I won't remember how sweet your voice sounds when you wake up and lightly yell "Mommy" and "Daddy" on the monitor.  I won't remember how perfect it feels to have you put your head on my shoulder when you're sleepy or sad.  I won't remember the cackle of a laugh you have when we tickle you or chase you.  All of these things that seem like such ordinary parts of our day now will one day be things that are difficult to recall.  It is so hard to remember every incredible detail of the seasons of your life so that is why I am choosing to write them down...so I can one day be taken back to this stage and picture all of the things that we are experiencing now. A few weeks back (about 2 weeks before Livi was born), you stayed with Neeno and Doc so we could get a few things done before she arrived.  I drove up to Birmingham to pick you up and when I got to their driveway, you were sitting next to Neeno with a bouquet of picked flowers and you came running to me with them and gave them to me...I will cherish those specific stories of you forever.   

Despite the fact that I know my memory will challenge me, what I know for sure is that I will not forget how much I have loved and adored you from the first time I saw you.  I loved you before you were born, but you literally stole my heart when I laid eyes on you...and you've been stealing it daily since.  I sometimes watch you and still cannot believe that you are ours!  I wonder how in the world we were so blessed to be given you!  I am blown away by God's goodness at the sight of you...and thank Him for entrusting you with us.  Daddy and I are smitten with you Will and we wouldn't change anything about our first two years with you.  Thank you for making our lives brighter each and every day!  Happy 2nd Birthday to our little "Will Bug!"
Love, Mommy

Dear Will...22 months of precious joy!

Dear Will,

Oh my precious baby boy...you are just 12 days away from helping us welcome your new little brother or sister to our family!  I cannot believe that this day is almost here, and I cannot believe that you are so close to turning 2!!!  You have grown up so much in the last few weeks.  You are talking so much and discovering so much.  A list of your favorite words include:  mama, daddy, Gus, "Ne-Ne", Doc, CeeCee, PawPaw, trucks, tractors, juice, cheese, puppies, keys, "dig-dig" for diggers, trees, baby, moon, house and so many more that I can't quite interpret!:)   Your little personality is starting to come out so much too...and I can tell that you're going to be very headstrong!  You have an endearing giggle and an infectious smile...which may be quite dangerous when you are trying to get your way!  

You are smitten with babies right now...and I can't wait to see if that same enthusiasm carries over into your own little brother or sister.  You get giddy and start giggling if you even see an infant carrier...and the same when you see a baby!  It's so precious and I love to hear you say "bebe" over and over again.  When I ask you where the baby is, you point to Mommy's tummy and put your head on my tummy to give the baby love:)  It truly melts my heart...

You love trains, being outside, all things construction, and you love play dates with your friends William, Caroline and Grady.  You still love wagon rides and even riding in your stroller...you just love looking at stuff.  Your favorite books are:  Tractors, Goodnight Moon, The Little Blue Truck, Brown Bear and The Very Hungry Caterpillar.  You still let me rock you before you go to sleep-and I am so thankful for this precious time with you!  You've just recently started saying "JeeJee" for Jesus Loves Me, which lets me know that our months of singing the same songs is finally paying off!  

Last week we had to put my dog, Cheney, to sleep...and while you don't understand what happened, I can tell you miss her.  You look at me a lot and say "Chee-Chee" as if you're asking where she is or telling me you miss her.  For the first week, it made me cry every time, but now I smile because it lets me know that we will always remember my little Cheney.  We have a picture of her framed in the den and you point to it a lot and it makes you smile when we stop to look at her.  I am thankful that while she was not always a sweet dog to you, that you remember her for the times that she was.  I pray that you carry that same love and grace for the people in your life as you grow up...what a precious trait to have!  

Will, as you approach your 2nd birthday, I want you to know that you have brought so much joy into our lives and we are so proud of the little guy you have already become!!!  I am so excited to see you become a big brother and I am confident that you are going to love your new little brother or sister with such enthusiasm.  I wake up every morning thanking God for making me your mommy...it is a privilege that I do not deserve!  I love you Will Bug!!!  

Love, Mommy

Not just a dog to me...

I haven't blogged in so long, but wanted to and needed to today...writing is sometimes my therapy.  Today I write with a heavy heart because today we will be putting my dog, Cheney, to sleep.  Cheney came into my life on January 20th, 2001...the day of the Bush/Cheney inauguration (hence her Republican name). I was a senior in college and volunteering at the animal shelter...and she stole my heart and I had to have her.  Little did I know at the time that she would become my constant companion as I entered new phases of my life.  She has been with me through graduate school, my first job, multiple moves, multiple heartbreaks, a tornado, my wedding and even the birth of Will.  I did not marry until I was 32, so I was living alone for the majority of Cheney's life.  You never realize what a dog represents to you until you reflect on their life.  Cheney was my constant...and she kept me from feeling so alone, on days when I did.  I longed to have someone to "come home to", but it wasn't that season of my life yet...and Cheney helped fill a void that was missing for me.  I can remember countless emotional days of hospice work and coming home to her wagging tail, her jumping up on me-so happy to see me.  If Cheney didn't greet me at the door, I knew something was wrong!  She has not always been an easy dog...full of quirks and a little on the "mean" side when she wanted to be, but I learned to appreciate all of these things about her.  Cheney did not know it, but she was teaching me patience that I would need as a mother one day.  She was teaching me love and devotion...in her own little Cheney way.  She was never a very obedient dog and was very trying at times...but I loved her despite those qualities, just as I do with others and pray others do for me.  I know some people think, "it's just a dog", but to me Cheney has been a part of my family, and a very dear one at that.  I have enjoyed almost 14 years with this precious furry friend and my heart is aching having to let her go.  Unfortunately all of Cheney's "quirks" and "mean" qualities that I mentioned have exacerbated in her old age...and especially with a toddler in the house.  Cheney is just too old to understand or appreciate Will and Will is just too young to understand or be considerate of Cheney...and this has led to Cheney snapping and ultimately biting Will.  Last night I had to make a "grownup decision" (as I like to call them) and the decision was to put Cheney down.  It was not an easy decision, but a necessary one...and one that is causing me so much guilt, grief and sadness.  I think I was too busy enjoying a new season in my life to realize how much she has aged, because in my eyes she's still the crazy little puppy I brought home from the shelter in 2001.  I am so thankful for her life and thankful that she was my first dog.  We had dogs growing up, but this was MY dog, my baby, and that is why my heart is grieving today.  To those of you who love dogs, you know how a dog can steal your heart and run with it...and they don't let go until we let them go.  Watching Cheney go out the door today for the last time has brought so many tears and so much pain...but one thing is for sure, she will never walk out of my mind or my heart.  My sweet Cheney, "Cheney bug" will always hold an incredibly special spot in my memories...because she has been apart of so many of them.  

Cheney 09/20/00-03/24/14

Needy toddler...Needy mother

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus"-Philippians 4:19


This past month has been a doozy at our house.  We have had pink eye, double pneumonia, a fever virus, sleep regression, the busyness of Christmas...and all of these things have been in addition to Will going through a very "needy and clingy" stage. Perhaps the neediness is due to all of the sickness, but whatever the reason, it is here and does not appear to be going anywhere. 

This morning the neediness was on a whole new level.  Will woke up screaming and didn't want to be put down...not even in his highchair for breakfast.  He wailed and wailed and nothing soothed him.  He wanted to be held, then wanted down, only to wail to be picked up again.  I know that I am describing normal days for moms everywhere, but I am leading up to something-so bear with me. He doesn't appear to be sick (no fever) so there is either something ailing him that he can't communicate to me, or it is just "one of those days".  

I finally got him down for a nap and got in my sanctuary (aka-the shower).  As I stood in the shower crying in frustration (I am pregnant and tired) and praying aloud to God, the Lord laid something on my mind and heart that really convicted me.  I was praying for patience and endurance to deal with Will's "neediness" when I realized that I am no less needy than Will.  I am Will's earthly mother and until he comes to know Christ, I am one of the people he knows loves him unconditionally.  I am the person that feeds him, cares for him, loves him, and gives him security.  Just as he comes to me for his needs, I go to my heavenly father for my own needs.  I cry out to God when I am scared.  I cry out to God when I am sad.  I cry out to God when I am frustrated.  I cry out to God when I feel unsure of myself.  I of course praise Him for all that He does for me, just as Will does me when he takes my face and kisses it...or gives me a big hug, or a big smile.  I started to personalize the way Will "whines" to me and realized that I probably sound quite whiny to my Savior at times...but He doesn't grow tired of me, or cast me aside.  He picks me up in His loving arms, holds me, and reminds my heart that He is always with me.  He directs me to His word for strength and for security. Time with the Lord always leaves me feeling safe and calm. I pray that my sweet Will feels nothing but the same from me.  Today, when Will is in the midst of his neediest of all days, I am going to approach it with a different attitude.  I am going to see his need for me through the eyes of My Father...not through my own selfish eyes. I am thanking the Lord today for His love and promises...and for my precious little Will.