One year...

One year.  One year since I held my mama's hand.  One year since I saw her alive.  One year since her presence was felt on this earth.  It's hard to believe that it's been a full year since my precious mama went to be with her Lord and Savior.  On the one hand, it seems like forever since I heard her voice, or saw her smile, or felt her touch...but on the other hand, it seems like yesterday because I can recall every tiny detail of the week leading up to her death, and the day of her death.  As hard as this year has been; and as much as I ache for her to be back here with me, I am left in awe today at God's goodness in sustaining me throughout the past year.  The Lord has revealed Himself to me in a way that I never could have imagined.  He has drawn me closer to Him as I have trusted in His plan...remembering that His ways are higher.  He has given me strength, when I thought I couldn't go on.  He has provided me joy in the midst of sorrow.  He has wiped away every tear...and there's been a lot.  He's placed people in my path who knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it.  He provided me a job that I love; surrounded by women that I love, at the perfect time.  He has given me grace when I asked why.  He gave me understanding when I tried to cope in private, instead of fully leaning into Him. 

Today, as I remember my last day with my mom, I cannot help but consider the gift He gave me in allowing me to be with her as she died.  My dad and I were holding my mom's hands when she took her last breath.  I was holding her hand as she left this world...and Christ was taking her hand as she entered into eternity.  This is a vision that has helped me get through some of the longest days of my life...because what a beautiful gift I was given.  My mom was surrounded by her husband, her kids, and her sisters when she died...one of the only times we had all been in her room at the same time. I didn't realize it fully at the time, but the Lord was providing us so many cherished gifts that I can see with clarity now.

My mom's death left me heartbroken...and questioning how I should respond to the grief I was enduring on a daily basis.  I came to realize that the Lord is glorified when I share my story, because it only through Him that I have made it to this milestone in my grief journey.  In response to this realization, I have challenged myself to be open in my grief, sharing my heart...my struggles...my pain.  I have been blessed by so many people who have openly shared their personal stories of grief, and I pray I can do the same for others.  I want to thank all of you who have read my blogs, read my Facebook posts, endured my "mom stories", or my "mom anecdotes".  My mom was such a treasure...she was so full of joy, of life, and most of all full of Jesus!  It is hard not to incorporate her into my stories, because she helped shape me into the woman I am today.  My mom was a light...in a dark world...and by continuing to talk about her, I feel her light is still shining bright.  Thank you for allowing me to honor my mom through my writing and my sharing of her character.  As we all prepare for Christmas next week, I pray we all keep our eyes focused on the perfect JOY that is found in Christ Jesus.  I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes, "happiness depends on happenings, but joy depends on Christ".  One year later, my heart still aches, my mind still longs, my hands still try to call her, and my eyes still cry...but I am able to face it all because I know the joy that is found in Christ.  Merry Christmas to all!


-Bethany Smith

Will is SIX

Dear Will,

You are now SIX years old and I cannot fathom how that is possible!  You will be starting Kindergarten in August and while you are certainly ready, I am going to miss you so much.  You have matured and gained so much confidence in this last year, and I am so thankful we made the decision to let you repeat Pre-K.  You are such a precious little boy with a sensitive heart, and a curious mind.  You want to know everything about everything and you ask questions non-stop.  You have an incredible memory and you retain information so well.  You LOVE Legos and you love creating things...whether it be traps for lizards, traps for squirrels or building bird houses.  You celebrated your birthday this year with your friend Cavan at the Verner Elementary playground.   Y'all had a joint birthday party/going away party, as Cavan moved to Tennessee shortly after the party.  You had a great time with your friends and we had more celebrating that night as a family.  We just got back from Atlanta where we took you to Legoland as a belated birthday trip.  You loved it, but mostly you loved the indoor pool at the hotel!-as always!
You continue to love your friends from the Environmental Service Department, especially our sweet Isaiah.  It makes me sad that you are starting school and your opportunities to see them will diminish, but I feel confident that you will continue to leave notes and pictures for them, because you have such a thoughtful heart.
Will, you have endured a lot in this past year at such a young age.  You endured the death of Grandmaw, Neeno, and PawPaw.  That is a lot for a 5 year old...to lose 2 grandparents and a great grandparent within 6 months.  I am so sorry for all the sadness of this past year and for the times I felt absent in your life because I was in Birmingham with Neeno.  You have been so tenderhearted towards me and have given me countless hugs when you saw me crying or tearful about Neeno.  As much as I wish you had not had learn so much about death at a young age, I am confident that these past six months will enable you to be more sensitive, empathetic and compassionate as you get older.  We did not try to shield you from the sadness that life sometimes brings, and you handled the hospital visits, the funerals, and the grief you experienced with such maturity to have only been five years old.  I am so proud of you and so proud to be your mommy.
You love riding your scooter (that you got for your birthday), and you love to go fishing with Daddy.  You bought your first tackle box with some of your  birthday money and you are so proud to look at your lures!  You love hot dogs, corn dogs, BLT's, tomatoes, watermelon, squash, fruit, sweet tea (although we don't let you have it much), and you love any and all CANDY!!!!  You are not a huge chocolate eater, which shocks your chocolate loving mom! You love your little sister, and I have loved watching y'all's relationship develop into such a friendship.  You love your daddy's "tall tales" that he tells you at bedtime.  You're not afraid to say the Bible verses at church, or pray in front of the group at church. 
You are a special little boy and your mama and daddy adore you!!!  Happy 6th birthday Will! 
Love, MOM