My hope...

Dear Will and Livi, It's July...four months since y'all were robbed of your spring semester in school due to the COVID-19 pandemic. You were both blessed with the best of teachers this year and it truly stinks you didn't get the last few months with them. I feel so many emotions about all that has transpired in our country since March, but I refuse to lose hope in what I hope you both take away from this time. My hope is that you both remember the fun we had doing "home school" at Smith Academy. My hope is that you both remember the pen pals you have so enjoyed writing throughout the pandemic. My hope is that you will forever be able to picture the countless forts we have built and the fun you've had creating each and every one. My hope is that rather than focusing on the missed dance classes and baseball practices, that you'll remember the beauty in not being rushed out the door. My hope is that you remember the "Bear Hunts" we went on in our neighborhood and surrounding neighborhoods. My hope is that you remember the freedom in not having to get dressed to go anywhere. My hope is that you remember the nights of staying up late watching movies together. My hope is that you remember all the sidewalk chalk we went through writing Bible verses and drawing pictures. My hope is that you remember that you can worship anywhere and that God is still glorified even from our couch. My hope is that you remember that there's always an adventure to be had outside. My hope is that you remember all the play doh, kinetic sand, and paint that have gotten us through some long days. My hope is that you gain a deeper appreciation for the freedom of going places. My hope is that you'll be able to laugh at your mama one day for hoarding so much toilet paper and Bounty paper towels. My hope is that you always remember the trails we've found, the creeks we've jumped in, and the rainstorms we've ran in. My hope is that you understand that life is not always easy or fun, but that a positive attitude can make those times easier. My hope is that you saw your mama demonstrate resilience and an upbeat attitude in the challenges of COVID-19. My hope is that you watched your dad assimilate to his job in order to keep providing for us...and meeting his customers needs. My hope is that your sibling relationship is stronger today than it was 4 months ago. My hope is that you will never take school for granted. My hope is that when you tell your own children about the COVID-19 that you will describe feeling safe. My hope is that you will be able to recall the memories of the pandemic with joy. My hope is that you will cherish friendships always. My greatest hope is that you have felt loved every day of being at home. COVID-19 has certainly made the spring and summer look different, but my hope is that this pandemic will help our family to always embrace a slower pace and the need for togetherness. I also hope that we will regain our sense of normalcy again soon. I hope that you do not have to go years without seeing people's smiles in public. I hope that years from now y'all will be able to understand fully what a crazy time in our world this really is-and why we've had to adjust our way of life accordingly. So as I write you both tonight, please know that despite all the craziness, the unknowns, the cabin fever, etc...I have loved every minute of having some slower days with each of you! I love you both to pieces!!! Love, MOM

Happy Birthday Will!

May, 2019 Happy Birthday Will! You're 7!!!-and yet you're still that round faced 2 year old in my mind! You are such a precious boy with a tender-heart and a desire to do right and follow the rules. You had such a GREAT year in kindergarten and you loved your teacher, Mrs. Patricia Ford! You love to ride your bike, you love to go exploring, you love to go to the woods with daddy, you love to build things, you love to catch critters, you love to find treasures. You are going to go to a baseball camp at Shelton State this summer and you're so excited to attend! You love your little sister but she also drives you crazy a good bit of the time. You're reading like a champ but still enjoy being read to. You are still my awesome eater and will try most anything!!! You still claim you're going to marry Caroline Brignac...and y'all have remained the sweetest of friends! You save money well, and only use your money if it's something you REALLY want. I love you so much sweet boy and could not be more proud to call you mine!!!

Happy 5th Livi Lou!

April-2019 Dear Livi Lou, How are you FIVE??? We are so thankful for the precious, spunky, smart, funny, loving little girl you are! You love to sing, you love to talk, and you cannot go to bed at night without saying, "I love you, have a good night, sleep tight" about 52 times. You have an infectious laugh and you laugh so much!!! You adore your brother, but you also know how to drive him crazy. You love talking about Jesus and asking questions about God, Jesus, heaven, etc. You always bring me so much joy when you talk about your Neeno watching you...or saying Neeno came to see you in your dream. You are a deep thinker and are always asking such thoughtful questions. You love to draw and color and will be doing an art camp this summer. You are loving gymnastics and will be in your first recital next month. You and your sweet friend, Annabeth, are having a joint birthday party with an art/Easter theme! You love your friends well and you are a friend to all. You love animals and you are begging for a puppy! You call your Uncle Scott, Uncle Rat, and you're always making him laugh on our phone calls in the car. You love watching the show "True" and you're already telling me that's who you want to be for Halloween. You love watching the show Spirit and Goldie and Bear. You are still my picky eater but you now love tomatoes which makes me happy! You like chicken nuggets, poppyseed chicken, lunchables, soup, blueberries, oranges, strawberries, raspberries, mac n cheese(blue box only), popcorn, pringles, spaghetti, taco meat, red sauce, and french bread with dipping oil. You are riding your bike and are getting so close to riding without training wheels! You love roller coasters (as we saw when we went to Disney World). Your favorite ride at Disney was the Tower of Terror!!! You love mermaids and unicorns. You can sing the whole Alabama fight song...and you hate all things Auburn (and are vocal about that! LOL). Livi, we love you so much and we pray you continue to be sweet and sassy...and that you will shine for Jesus in all that you do. Happy Birthday sweet girl! Love, MOM

Home sweet home...

Home sweet home...

Several years back, I gave my mom a hand towel for her kitchen that reads, "HOME IS WHERE YOUR MOM IS".  This little decorative towel still adorns the oven in my parents' home...which is no longer occupied by both parents.  Someone asked me the other day how I was doing and I told them I was handling each day as it comes; but that the best way to describe the way I feel on a daily basis, is the way I felt as a child when I was homesick.  As a child, like most little girls, I was invited to sleepovers very regularly.  What made me being invited a bit different is that I always had an "escape plan" for if I got homesick...which sadly happened a handful of times.  I can remember my precious mama dropping me off at friends' houses and her hugging me and telling me, "just remember, if you need to come home, no matter the time...I will come pick you up".  You see my mama knew...she knew what my mind was fearing without ever having to say a thing.  She knew that I was what she called, "a homebody".  I loved home.  I loved being at home.  I felt safe at home.  Home was exactly what the towel says, it was where my mom was.  After using the analogy of feeling homesick, I realized that that's exactly what I am...I am homesick.  You see the towel is still the absolute truth...my home is still where my mom is.  As believers we are all homesick, and longing for a day, when we are no longer surrounded by the pain and sin of this world. 

"For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come".  Hebrews 13:14

In college, I can remember going home for the weekend and my mom running out to the driveway to greet me...because that's who she was.  She greeted us with open arms, with kisses, with so much excitement and exuberance.  She greeted us this way my whole life...even as a parent, I would pull into their drive and the kids would spot her rounding the back corner of their house to get her hands on us all.  Today, as I consider my past homecomings with my mom, I can't help but tear up considering the homecoming she received in heaven on December 17th, 2017.  As a new year begins, I am so thankful that I have a homecoming to long for...and more importantly to live for.  The Lord has given each of us a purpose and will use each of us to bring honor and glory to Him.  There is such an amazing assurance in knowing that the Lord's hand is in every detail of our lives...even in our failures, our disappointments, when we feel we are at our worst...He is there. He will take all our brokenness and piece it together to bring beauty from ashes.  I pray that as we all embark on a new year, that we will cling to the hope that comes from new beginnings. Jesus Christ offers the greatest new beginning of all in the salvation and new life that comes from knowing Him and loving Him.  I celebrate this new year that my mom had a new life in Christ and because of her love for Jesus I can have peace in knowing that HOME IS WHERE MY MOM IS.  If you're reading this, thank you.  I truly cannot thank my friends and family enough for all the love, prayers, and encouragement as I continue to share my grief journey.  Thank you all!  
-Bethany Smith 

One year...

One year.  One year since I held my mama's hand.  One year since I saw her alive.  One year since her presence was felt on this earth.  It's hard to believe that it's been a full year since my precious mama went to be with her Lord and Savior.  On the one hand, it seems like forever since I heard her voice, or saw her smile, or felt her touch...but on the other hand, it seems like yesterday because I can recall every tiny detail of the week leading up to her death, and the day of her death.  As hard as this year has been; and as much as I ache for her to be back here with me, I am left in awe today at God's goodness in sustaining me throughout the past year.  The Lord has revealed Himself to me in a way that I never could have imagined.  He has drawn me closer to Him as I have trusted in His plan...remembering that His ways are higher.  He has given me strength, when I thought I couldn't go on.  He has provided me joy in the midst of sorrow.  He has wiped away every tear...and there's been a lot.  He's placed people in my path who knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it.  He provided me a job that I love; surrounded by women that I love, at the perfect time.  He has given me grace when I asked why.  He gave me understanding when I tried to cope in private, instead of fully leaning into Him. 

Today, as I remember my last day with my mom, I cannot help but consider the gift He gave me in allowing me to be with her as she died.  My dad and I were holding my mom's hands when she took her last breath.  I was holding her hand as she left this world...and Christ was taking her hand as she entered into eternity.  This is a vision that has helped me get through some of the longest days of my life...because what a beautiful gift I was given.  My mom was surrounded by her husband, her kids, and her sisters when she died...one of the only times we had all been in her room at the same time. I didn't realize it fully at the time, but the Lord was providing us so many cherished gifts that I can see with clarity now.

My mom's death left me heartbroken...and questioning how I should respond to the grief I was enduring on a daily basis.  I came to realize that the Lord is glorified when I share my story, because it only through Him that I have made it to this milestone in my grief journey.  In response to this realization, I have challenged myself to be open in my grief, sharing my heart...my struggles...my pain.  I have been blessed by so many people who have openly shared their personal stories of grief, and I pray I can do the same for others.  I want to thank all of you who have read my blogs, read my Facebook posts, endured my "mom stories", or my "mom anecdotes".  My mom was such a treasure...she was so full of joy, of life, and most of all full of Jesus!  It is hard not to incorporate her into my stories, because she helped shape me into the woman I am today.  My mom was a light...in a dark world...and by continuing to talk about her, I feel her light is still shining bright.  Thank you for allowing me to honor my mom through my writing and my sharing of her character.  As we all prepare for Christmas next week, I pray we all keep our eyes focused on the perfect JOY that is found in Christ Jesus.  I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes, "happiness depends on happenings, but joy depends on Christ".  One year later, my heart still aches, my mind still longs, my hands still try to call her, and my eyes still cry...but I am able to face it all because I know the joy that is found in Christ.  Merry Christmas to all!


-Bethany Smith

Will is SIX

Dear Will,

You are now SIX years old and I cannot fathom how that is possible!  You will be starting Kindergarten in August and while you are certainly ready, I am going to miss you so much.  You have matured and gained so much confidence in this last year, and I am so thankful we made the decision to let you repeat Pre-K.  You are such a precious little boy with a sensitive heart, and a curious mind.  You want to know everything about everything and you ask questions non-stop.  You have an incredible memory and you retain information so well.  You LOVE Legos and you love creating things...whether it be traps for lizards, traps for squirrels or building bird houses.  You celebrated your birthday this year with your friend Cavan at the Verner Elementary playground.   Y'all had a joint birthday party/going away party, as Cavan moved to Tennessee shortly after the party.  You had a great time with your friends and we had more celebrating that night as a family.  We just got back from Atlanta where we took you to Legoland as a belated birthday trip.  You loved it, but mostly you loved the indoor pool at the hotel!-as always!
You continue to love your friends from the Environmental Service Department, especially our sweet Isaiah.  It makes me sad that you are starting school and your opportunities to see them will diminish, but I feel confident that you will continue to leave notes and pictures for them, because you have such a thoughtful heart.
Will, you have endured a lot in this past year at such a young age.  You endured the death of Grandmaw, Neeno, and PawPaw.  That is a lot for a 5 year old...to lose 2 grandparents and a great grandparent within 6 months.  I am so sorry for all the sadness of this past year and for the times I felt absent in your life because I was in Birmingham with Neeno.  You have been so tenderhearted towards me and have given me countless hugs when you saw me crying or tearful about Neeno.  As much as I wish you had not had learn so much about death at a young age, I am confident that these past six months will enable you to be more sensitive, empathetic and compassionate as you get older.  We did not try to shield you from the sadness that life sometimes brings, and you handled the hospital visits, the funerals, and the grief you experienced with such maturity to have only been five years old.  I am so proud of you and so proud to be your mommy.
You love riding your scooter (that you got for your birthday), and you love to go fishing with Daddy.  You bought your first tackle box with some of your  birthday money and you are so proud to look at your lures!  You love hot dogs, corn dogs, BLT's, tomatoes, watermelon, squash, fruit, sweet tea (although we don't let you have it much), and you love any and all CANDY!!!!  You are not a huge chocolate eater, which shocks your chocolate loving mom! You love your little sister, and I have loved watching y'all's relationship develop into such a friendship.  You love your daddy's "tall tales" that he tells you at bedtime.  You're not afraid to say the Bible verses at church, or pray in front of the group at church. 
You are a special little boy and your mama and daddy adore you!!!  Happy 6th birthday Will! 
Love, MOM

Livi Lou is FOUR!

April 23rd, 2018 (I'm over a week late!)

Dear Livi,

Happy Birthday my little Livi Lou/Angel Girl!  Let me just start by saying what a joy it is to be your mama!!!  You have no idea how much I love you and how much your sweet spirit completes our little family.  You have matured so much in this past year and your heart gets sweeter each and every day. You are at the most precious little stage right now and I could just eat you up with a spoon.  You are the perfect blend of sweet and sassy and your giggle is about the best sound in the world.  You are so thoughtful and are always making cards for your friends at school, or asking to take something to give to them.  At the church Easter egg hunt, you went and put eggs you had found in the basket of another little girl who didn't have as many...and you didn't have to be asked.  You're very generous and you are all the time sharing your candy or treat with Will because he eats faster than you do.  You love all things princess, purses, makeup, stuffed animals, baby dolls, jewelry, and ART!  You would sit and color all day, and your writing is so good!  You love writing your letters and the names of everyone in your family.  You love to sleep in nightgowns, and the minute we get home from school, you strip down and change into a princess dress or an ensemble that only you could come up with.  You love singing praise and worship songs and you've gotten to where you hold one hand up in the air while singing in the car (I love that you love to worship like your mama!).  Your current favorite is "O Praise the Name", and you truly belt it out throughout the house.  You love to pray, and you volunteer to pray every night at bedtime.  You talk about Jesus a lot and you are constantly telling me that Jesus never stops loving us.  You are a sponge when it comes to learning your Bible verses and you're always so proud to recite them.  You are a great balance of all things girl, but you're not afraid to get completely dirty!  You love going to the woods with your daddy, or digging in the sandbox.  You call your daddy, "daddy-roo-ski", and always ask him to carry you like a "sack of potatoes!"  You love to have your  back scratched/tickled and you contort your little body in the craziest ways to ensure that every inch of your body gets tickled.  You love to swing at the park and you sing songs at the top of your lungs while I push you.  You love to bake and even watch "baking shows" on your computer.  The other day you asked me for a "piping bag" and this cracked me up!  You're still taking and loving gymnastics and your first "recital" is next month...which should be pretty stinkin' cute! 

You have been talking so much about your Neeno lately and this is both happy and sad for me.  It makes me happy to hear you talk about her, because I pray daily that you never forget her...but it makes me so sad that you want to see her, but can't.  Last week, you put on your fairy wings and told me you were going to fly away.  I asked you where you were going to go, and you said, "to heaven, to see Neeno!"  You tell me all the time, " Neeno loved me so much"...and  you also tell me, " I made Neeno giggle!"  One day, I will be able to fully explain just how much your Neeno loved you, and that you and Will were two of the reasons she tried so hard to live.  She told me countless times during her battle with cancer, " I want to see your babies grow up", and she also specifically told me, " I don't want Livi growing up without knowing me".  Neeno's desire for you to know her, is now my heart's desire...so I pray that you will know her through me.  I pray that every story about Neeno that I tell you, will resonate in your mind.  I pray that all of the sayings that were Neeno's, will be sayings you learn, and cherish.  I pray that all of the love I give you will be twofold, as I am loving you for Neeno too.  I pray that you will know Neeno's character, and her joy through me, and through all of those that knew Neeno so well.  There are days that I can get glimpses of Neeno's big personality in your big personality, and it always make me smile.  If there's nothing more you get out of this letter for your fourth birthday, please always remember how loved you are...not just by those that are present in your life, but by those that are now with Jesus too.  You are one special little girl Livi, and I thank God for making me your mama!  

For your birthday this year, we had a small "princess tea party" that you loved!  You love having tea parties and you love dressing up as a princess, so your party was a perfect way to celebrate YOU!  

Happy 4th Birthday Livi!  I love you to pieces!!! 
Love, Mom