One year...

One year.  One year since I held my mama's hand.  One year since I saw her alive.  One year since her presence was felt on this earth.  It's hard to believe that it's been a full year since my precious mama went to be with her Lord and Savior.  On the one hand, it seems like forever since I heard her voice, or saw her smile, or felt her touch...but on the other hand, it seems like yesterday because I can recall every tiny detail of the week leading up to her death, and the day of her death.  As hard as this year has been; and as much as I ache for her to be back here with me, I am left in awe today at God's goodness in sustaining me throughout the past year.  The Lord has revealed Himself to me in a way that I never could have imagined.  He has drawn me closer to Him as I have trusted in His plan...remembering that His ways are higher.  He has given me strength, when I thought I couldn't go on.  He has provided me joy in the midst of sorrow.  He has wiped away every tear...and there's been a lot.  He's placed people in my path who knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it.  He provided me a job that I love; surrounded by women that I love, at the perfect time.  He has given me grace when I asked why.  He gave me understanding when I tried to cope in private, instead of fully leaning into Him. 

Today, as I remember my last day with my mom, I cannot help but consider the gift He gave me in allowing me to be with her as she died.  My dad and I were holding my mom's hands when she took her last breath.  I was holding her hand as she left this world...and Christ was taking her hand as she entered into eternity.  This is a vision that has helped me get through some of the longest days of my life...because what a beautiful gift I was given.  My mom was surrounded by her husband, her kids, and her sisters when she died...one of the only times we had all been in her room at the same time. I didn't realize it fully at the time, but the Lord was providing us so many cherished gifts that I can see with clarity now.

My mom's death left me heartbroken...and questioning how I should respond to the grief I was enduring on a daily basis.  I came to realize that the Lord is glorified when I share my story, because it only through Him that I have made it to this milestone in my grief journey.  In response to this realization, I have challenged myself to be open in my grief, sharing my heart...my struggles...my pain.  I have been blessed by so many people who have openly shared their personal stories of grief, and I pray I can do the same for others.  I want to thank all of you who have read my blogs, read my Facebook posts, endured my "mom stories", or my "mom anecdotes".  My mom was such a treasure...she was so full of joy, of life, and most of all full of Jesus!  It is hard not to incorporate her into my stories, because she helped shape me into the woman I am today.  My mom was a light...in a dark world...and by continuing to talk about her, I feel her light is still shining bright.  Thank you for allowing me to honor my mom through my writing and my sharing of her character.  As we all prepare for Christmas next week, I pray we all keep our eyes focused on the perfect JOY that is found in Christ Jesus.  I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes, "happiness depends on happenings, but joy depends on Christ".  One year later, my heart still aches, my mind still longs, my hands still try to call her, and my eyes still cry...but I am able to face it all because I know the joy that is found in Christ.  Merry Christmas to all!


-Bethany Smith

Will is SIX

Dear Will,

You are now SIX years old and I cannot fathom how that is possible!  You will be starting Kindergarten in August and while you are certainly ready, I am going to miss you so much.  You have matured and gained so much confidence in this last year, and I am so thankful we made the decision to let you repeat Pre-K.  You are such a precious little boy with a sensitive heart, and a curious mind.  You want to know everything about everything and you ask questions non-stop.  You have an incredible memory and you retain information so well.  You LOVE Legos and you love creating things...whether it be traps for lizards, traps for squirrels or building bird houses.  You celebrated your birthday this year with your friend Cavan at the Verner Elementary playground.   Y'all had a joint birthday party/going away party, as Cavan moved to Tennessee shortly after the party.  You had a great time with your friends and we had more celebrating that night as a family.  We just got back from Atlanta where we took you to Legoland as a belated birthday trip.  You loved it, but mostly you loved the indoor pool at the hotel!-as always!
You continue to love your friends from the Environmental Service Department, especially our sweet Isaiah.  It makes me sad that you are starting school and your opportunities to see them will diminish, but I feel confident that you will continue to leave notes and pictures for them, because you have such a thoughtful heart.
Will, you have endured a lot in this past year at such a young age.  You endured the death of Grandmaw, Neeno, and PawPaw.  That is a lot for a 5 year old...to lose 2 grandparents and a great grandparent within 6 months.  I am so sorry for all the sadness of this past year and for the times I felt absent in your life because I was in Birmingham with Neeno.  You have been so tenderhearted towards me and have given me countless hugs when you saw me crying or tearful about Neeno.  As much as I wish you had not had learn so much about death at a young age, I am confident that these past six months will enable you to be more sensitive, empathetic and compassionate as you get older.  We did not try to shield you from the sadness that life sometimes brings, and you handled the hospital visits, the funerals, and the grief you experienced with such maturity to have only been five years old.  I am so proud of you and so proud to be your mommy.
You love riding your scooter (that you got for your birthday), and you love to go fishing with Daddy.  You bought your first tackle box with some of your  birthday money and you are so proud to look at your lures!  You love hot dogs, corn dogs, BLT's, tomatoes, watermelon, squash, fruit, sweet tea (although we don't let you have it much), and you love any and all CANDY!!!!  You are not a huge chocolate eater, which shocks your chocolate loving mom! You love your little sister, and I have loved watching y'all's relationship develop into such a friendship.  You love your daddy's "tall tales" that he tells you at bedtime.  You're not afraid to say the Bible verses at church, or pray in front of the group at church. 
You are a special little boy and your mama and daddy adore you!!!  Happy 6th birthday Will! 
Love, MOM

Livi Lou is FOUR!

April 23rd, 2018 (I'm over a week late!)

Dear Livi,

Happy Birthday my little Livi Lou/Angel Girl!  Let me just start by saying what a joy it is to be your mama!!!  You have no idea how much I love you and how much your sweet spirit completes our little family.  You have matured so much in this past year and your heart gets sweeter each and every day. You are at the most precious little stage right now and I could just eat you up with a spoon.  You are the perfect blend of sweet and sassy and your giggle is about the best sound in the world.  You are so thoughtful and are always making cards for your friends at school, or asking to take something to give to them.  At the church Easter egg hunt, you went and put eggs you had found in the basket of another little girl who didn't have as many...and you didn't have to be asked.  You're very generous and you are all the time sharing your candy or treat with Will because he eats faster than you do.  You love all things princess, purses, makeup, stuffed animals, baby dolls, jewelry, and ART!  You would sit and color all day, and your writing is so good!  You love writing your letters and the names of everyone in your family.  You love to sleep in nightgowns, and the minute we get home from school, you strip down and change into a princess dress or an ensemble that only you could come up with.  You love singing praise and worship songs and you've gotten to where you hold one hand up in the air while singing in the car (I love that you love to worship like your mama!).  Your current favorite is "O Praise the Name", and you truly belt it out throughout the house.  You love to pray, and you volunteer to pray every night at bedtime.  You talk about Jesus a lot and you are constantly telling me that Jesus never stops loving us.  You are a sponge when it comes to learning your Bible verses and you're always so proud to recite them.  You are a great balance of all things girl, but you're not afraid to get completely dirty!  You love going to the woods with your daddy, or digging in the sandbox.  You call your daddy, "daddy-roo-ski", and always ask him to carry you like a "sack of potatoes!"  You love to have your  back scratched/tickled and you contort your little body in the craziest ways to ensure that every inch of your body gets tickled.  You love to swing at the park and you sing songs at the top of your lungs while I push you.  You love to bake and even watch "baking shows" on your computer.  The other day you asked me for a "piping bag" and this cracked me up!  You're still taking and loving gymnastics and your first "recital" is next month...which should be pretty stinkin' cute! 

You have been talking so much about your Neeno lately and this is both happy and sad for me.  It makes me happy to hear you talk about her, because I pray daily that you never forget her...but it makes me so sad that you want to see her, but can't.  Last week, you put on your fairy wings and told me you were going to fly away.  I asked you where you were going to go, and you said, "to heaven, to see Neeno!"  You tell me all the time, " Neeno loved me so much"...and  you also tell me, " I made Neeno giggle!"  One day, I will be able to fully explain just how much your Neeno loved you, and that you and Will were two of the reasons she tried so hard to live.  She told me countless times during her battle with cancer, " I want to see your babies grow up", and she also specifically told me, " I don't want Livi growing up without knowing me".  Neeno's desire for you to know her, is now my heart's desire...so I pray that you will know her through me.  I pray that every story about Neeno that I tell you, will resonate in your mind.  I pray that all of the sayings that were Neeno's, will be sayings you learn, and cherish.  I pray that all of the love I give you will be twofold, as I am loving you for Neeno too.  I pray that you will know Neeno's character, and her joy through me, and through all of those that knew Neeno so well.  There are days that I can get glimpses of Neeno's big personality in your big personality, and it always make me smile.  If there's nothing more you get out of this letter for your fourth birthday, please always remember how loved you are...not just by those that are present in your life, but by those that are now with Jesus too.  You are one special little girl Livi, and I thank God for making me your mama!  

For your birthday this year, we had a small "princess tea party" that you loved!  You love having tea parties and you love dressing up as a princess, so your party was a perfect way to celebrate YOU!  

Happy 4th Birthday Livi!  I love you to pieces!!! 
Love, Mom

My grief "story"...

It's been three months since my precious mama went to be with Jesus.  It seems impossible that I have made it three months without talking to my mom...the person I spoke to multiple times a day.  My mom was so many things to me and there's not a day that goes by that I don't wish that she was still here.  Time is so tricky because you tell yourself that time will help ease the pain...yet time is what creates a greater sense of distance between us, and our last earthly encounter with our loved one. The only thing that seems to remain concrete is that grief is hard.  There is just no eloquent, wordy way to put that...it's hard, it hurts, and it's always there...lurking.  There are days I find myself thinking I have a handle on my emotions and my loss...and there are other days it feels as raw as the day she died.  I find myself trying to "explain away" these days or moments with some sort of justification for why I am in tears, angry, or just overwhelmed with sadness.  I will tell myself, "I am just sad because it's the 3 month anniversary", or "I am just ill because I  can't call her to tell her what one of her grandchildren said", or "I'm just crying because dad sounded so sad tonight and I can't do anything to help him".  All of the things I tell myself begin with an, "it's just because", as if by giving myself a reason to be feeling this way it will somehow excuse my feelings...but why?  Why do we, as grievers, feel that we need to explain away our grief?  Why do we feel that after a certain time frame that we should be all okay...and no longer struggle with sorrow?  Why do we feel that we need to "keep it together" so that others will think we are doing okay?  Perhaps it's pressure that we put on ourselves, because we aspire to be at a stronger point...a point where our heart no longer aches to hear the voice of the one who died...or to feel their embrace...or to see their smile.  Maybe it's pressure we put on ourselves as believers...to not seem sad because we truly want to be joyful in all circumstances?  Maybe it's our fear of being a burden to others by continuing to discuss our grief?  Whatever the reason, I want to remind myself that "grief is just love...with nowhere to go".  When we love deeply, we grieve deeply...and there is no way to stop loving someone simply because they are no longer here to love in the physical sense. 

With mom's death, I have been given the honor of talking with so many people who have experienced a loss...and the one thing I continue to notice is how everlasting grief is.  We don't conquer it, or outgrow it...it just becomes apart of our story, and we learn to manage it.  Our stories are created by the greatest author of all...and it's through our stories that we are able to reveal the work of Christ in our lives.  It's been through my journey of grief that I have made new friendships with those who have walked a similar path, and they have been such a source of hope and encouragement.  Isn't it amazing the way God orchestrates friendships and meets our needs in such specific ways?  My friendships with those closest to me have gotten deeper, as these friends have loved me through some dark moments...and it has certainly given me an even greater appreciation for friendship.  While my friends have seen me at "my worst"...my Lord and Savior has seen me at my worst, loved me despite it, and died for me because of it.  There are days that Satan tries to get me to start playing the "why me?" game...and the "why me" game will always lead me back to the greatest "why me" of all...why did He die for me?  The same God who brought my sweet mama home to glory, is the same God who sent His Son to die on a cross to pay my ransom...and it's because of that "why me" that I will get to see my mom again one day.  As Easter approaches, I am filled with peace as I consider Mom's first Easter in heaven...and I am filled with gratitude as I consider the cross.  

I pray everyone has a Happy Easter.  I want to thank all of you who take the time to read the ramblings of my heart.  My hope is that we will all feel comfort in sharing our stories...because the Lord will use every bit of our story for His glory!  

3/26/18  

She taught me so much...

January 22nd, 2018


Five weeks...yet it seems that every day is a struggle...a struggle to adapt to the reality that my mom is no longer on this earth.  It is a pain that I have never experienced, and one that is relentless in how it attacks.  My mom was so much more than a mom...she was a devoted friend, a cheerleader, a bright spot, a smile with a soul.  Mom taught me so much about life, myself, and about real faith.  She taught me how to love big...because everyone she loved, she loved so well.  If Bonnie loved you...you knew it, and you never doubted it.  She taught me how to be positive, and to be someone that energizes others.  She always said, "do you want to be an energy drain or an energy fountain?"  She taught me to not be afraid to be silly or spontaneous...as demonstrated by the countless songs she made up and sang when we were little.  Mom taught me how to be polite and respectful, and the value of good work ethic.  She taught me that people don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care.  She taught me to love coffee, and I will cherish my memories of drinking coffee with her as a child.  In high school, I got up at 5:30 to drink coffee with her while we had our "quiet times"...another thing she taught me how to do!  Mom taught me to appreciate the South and the friendliness that comes with it.  She taught me to appreciate your heritage and where you come from...because it is the people in our lives that influence us into the people we become.  She taught me patience as she endured my 28 "I love yous" at bedtime as she went down the stairs.  She taught me to love Gone with the Wind and Andy Griffith.  She taught me the importance of beautiful cursive and she wanted so badly to teach my kids "proper handwriting".  She taught me to show gratitude and taught me how to write a proper thank you note at a very early age.  She taught me how to cook, how to bake, but mostly how to bring people together over something you had prepared.  Mom didn't just invite people over for a meal...she invited them over for a beautifully decorated table full of matching place mats, napkins, napkin rings, and little treats she had made for each place setting.  She taught me to make holidays special...especially Christmas.  She taught me that Christmas is a feeling...not just a day of the year.  She taught me how to shop and to bargain hunt...as this was one of her many talents!  She taught me that it doesn't matter if you wear name brands or Wal-Mart brands, but rather to wear it with confidence.  She did not put any emphasis on "designer names" or "fancy cars", but rather her focus was on being true to who you are.  Mom wasn't fancy in the eyes of society, and she never owned a purse that didn't come from TJ Maxx, but her beautiful and infectious personality was certainly that of designer quality.  She could light up a grocery store line, simply by being in it.  She was always talking to the person in front of her in line, while thanking the clerk for doing his/her job. She taught me kindness in such a true form.  She was kind to everyone she came in contact with, and it is through her vivacious, loving personality that others would notice that she had something special...and that was the love of Christ.  At Mom's service we discussed the fact that Mom was not someone who was just walking up to everyone she met asking them if they knew Jesus as their Savior, but rather the way the lived her life, she had others seeking to find what she had already found.  Her life was truly embodied by the following quote: "live in such a way that those who know you, but don't know God, will come to know God because they know you".  This was her....and she taught me that, whether she knew she was "teaching" me or not.  Daughters watch their Mamas...and I never stopped watching her.  Even in her death, I watched her handle her pain with such grace as she tried to not complain.  I watched her approach her cancer with hope, but also with trust...as she knew who held her days.  I watched her strength as she fought so hard to beat the cancer that was invading her precious body.  I watched her courage as she held my hand and cried telling me she wanted to fight so she could see my "little ones" grow up.  I watched her continue to demonstrate the remarkable love of a mother when she reached for my face, while lying in pain, to tell me one last time, "I love you to pieces".  She never wavered in showing her love to all of us...or in showing her love for her Lord and Savior.  Mom taught me so much...simply by modeling it before me.  I cannot begin to lists the countless ways she impacted my life, or all the things she taught me.  The only thing my amazing mama didn't teach me,  was how to live without her.  It's amazing how many things I have wanted to ask her, or call her about, in the last five weeks.  There are days I reach for my phone, only to be smacked in the face with the cruel reminder that she is gone...and my heart aches.  While mom couldn't have prepared me for the pain and loss I would feel without her, she provided me endless love that I know will carry me through the most painful of days ahead.  What a gift that she loved us all so unconditionally, so outwardly, and with such joy!  While I cannot hear her voice in the physical sense; I can hear her words, and can feel her love, in the way I love my own children.  I know that the countless times I tell my kids how much I love them, is really all the love I received from her being poured out on them.  She gave me so much love, and it's through love that I feel her presence the most.  She was married to my sweet daddy for 48 years, and I am so grateful that she taught me how to be a loving, devoted, Godly wife.  She taught me what giving grace looks like...and that forgiveness is a gift, and one we should give freely.  I could not be more proud to be Bonnie's daughter, and I have cherished all of the beautiful messages I have received from those who knew her.  She impacted the lives of so many through her contagious smile, her infectious joy, and her kind, loving spirit.  Thank you to everyone who has been there to walk this journey with me...and our entire family.  Writing has always been a bit "therapeutic" for me...so I hope y'all will bear with me as I write about the most amazing woman I have even known.  I love you mama...and I'm missing you like crazy.