One year...

One year.  One year since I held my mama's hand.  One year since I saw her alive.  One year since her presence was felt on this earth.  It's hard to believe that it's been a full year since my precious mama went to be with her Lord and Savior.  On the one hand, it seems like forever since I heard her voice, or saw her smile, or felt her touch...but on the other hand, it seems like yesterday because I can recall every tiny detail of the week leading up to her death, and the day of her death.  As hard as this year has been; and as much as I ache for her to be back here with me, I am left in awe today at God's goodness in sustaining me throughout the past year.  The Lord has revealed Himself to me in a way that I never could have imagined.  He has drawn me closer to Him as I have trusted in His plan...remembering that His ways are higher.  He has given me strength, when I thought I couldn't go on.  He has provided me joy in the midst of sorrow.  He has wiped away every tear...and there's been a lot.  He's placed people in my path who knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it.  He provided me a job that I love; surrounded by women that I love, at the perfect time.  He has given me grace when I asked why.  He gave me understanding when I tried to cope in private, instead of fully leaning into Him. 

Today, as I remember my last day with my mom, I cannot help but consider the gift He gave me in allowing me to be with her as she died.  My dad and I were holding my mom's hands when she took her last breath.  I was holding her hand as she left this world...and Christ was taking her hand as she entered into eternity.  This is a vision that has helped me get through some of the longest days of my life...because what a beautiful gift I was given.  My mom was surrounded by her husband, her kids, and her sisters when she died...one of the only times we had all been in her room at the same time. I didn't realize it fully at the time, but the Lord was providing us so many cherished gifts that I can see with clarity now.

My mom's death left me heartbroken...and questioning how I should respond to the grief I was enduring on a daily basis.  I came to realize that the Lord is glorified when I share my story, because it only through Him that I have made it to this milestone in my grief journey.  In response to this realization, I have challenged myself to be open in my grief, sharing my heart...my struggles...my pain.  I have been blessed by so many people who have openly shared their personal stories of grief, and I pray I can do the same for others.  I want to thank all of you who have read my blogs, read my Facebook posts, endured my "mom stories", or my "mom anecdotes".  My mom was such a treasure...she was so full of joy, of life, and most of all full of Jesus!  It is hard not to incorporate her into my stories, because she helped shape me into the woman I am today.  My mom was a light...in a dark world...and by continuing to talk about her, I feel her light is still shining bright.  Thank you for allowing me to honor my mom through my writing and my sharing of her character.  As we all prepare for Christmas next week, I pray we all keep our eyes focused on the perfect JOY that is found in Christ Jesus.  I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes, "happiness depends on happenings, but joy depends on Christ".  One year later, my heart still aches, my mind still longs, my hands still try to call her, and my eyes still cry...but I am able to face it all because I know the joy that is found in Christ.  Merry Christmas to all!


-Bethany Smith