You are 21 weeks old today, growing in my belly...the app on my phone tells me you are the size of a banana:) This may sound crazy to you when you read this, but it is just now really sinking in that we are pregnant again. With your older brother, everything felt a bit different...and up until this point, I worried that the differences in my responses were wrong, but I am here to tell you that they are not. Will's arrival not only brought excitement, but a level of anxiety that I did not even know was present. I can remember thinking about how his arrival was going to change our worlds...and our lifestyle. I felt I had to be "prepared" as much as possible on the forefront because deep down I felt a bit ill-prepared on the inside. I had never been a mother before and had nothing to base it on. What if I was horrible at it? What if I didn't know what to do? How will I handle working and being a mommy? If I stay home will I like it? How will I continue to be an attentive wife with a little one that needs me all the time? How will I still find time for friends and family? How should I decorate the nursery? How will I give a bath to something so small? Will I ever have me time again? These were the things that consumed a lot of my thoughts when I found out I was pregnant with your brother...these thoughts along with sheer excitement that we were going to be a family! I have realized that since finding out about you, I have been pretty at ease and sometimes forget that I am pregnant-that is until I see myself in the mirror and wish we had less lighting and wish we had "skinny mirrors" like they do at the fair. I have not been near as wrapped up in thinking about this pregnancy or the details I considered while pregnant with your brother. For a little while I felt guilty about this and kept asking myself, am I not as excited? What's the deal? It then hit me...I am every bit as excited; probably a bit more. Not only do we get to anticipate another baby, but I also get to anticipate seeing Will as a big brother...the greatest gift we can give him next to his salvation in Christ! The difference is not my level of excitement, but rather the way I am handling that excitement. With Will, everything was new...every pregnancy symptom, every thought, every worry, every anticipation, etc. With you, I am already a mommy and I don't have to worry about the petty things I did with Will. I don't have to doubt myself or consume my thoughts with the "what ifs". What I am experiencing is comfortable joy! There is such a comfort in knowing that I don't have to worry about things with you, because I have seen the way the Lord provided me with all the skills I needed to be a mom, when I needed them. He saw me through those dark times when I felt inadequate. He gave me peace when I didn't know how to keep Will from crying. He gave me strength when Will was sick and I was running on fumes. He gave me patience when Will wouldn't sleep through the night until he was almost a year old. He gave me a new perspective when I realized my house would never be truly clean again. He gave me support through friends, family and new mommy friends when I needed them most. He has provided beyond what I could have asked for, and so there is an incredible feeling of comfort in knowing this now. I already love you beyond comprehension and the one thing I do dwell on, is seeing you and holding you for the first time! My heart was forever changed when I saw your brother for the first time, and we are blessed beyond words that we get to experience that feeling again with you! We are not finding out what we are having (your sweet daddy wanted it to be a surprise) so your nursery will be white and yellow...hope you like it:) I cannot pray for you by name yet, but that doesn't mean I am not praying my heart out for you! That is one thing that has been true of both pregnancies...my gratitude to God for blessing us, and trusting us, with the gift of children. You are one lucky little one, because you have an outstanding daddy who is so loving! There will not be a day in your life when you don't hear the words, "I love you" from both your mommy and your daddy. We are not perfect parents, as there is no such thing, but I pray you will always give us grace in our parenting. I pray that you will never know a day that you don't feel the love of your parents...and the love of Christ. I cannot to wait to meet you little one!!!
Love, Mommy
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