It's been three months since my precious mama went to be with Jesus. It seems impossible that I have made it three months without talking to my mom...the person I spoke to multiple times a day. My mom was so many things to me and there's not a day that goes by that I don't wish that she was still here. Time is so tricky because you tell yourself that time will help ease the pain...yet time is what creates a greater sense of distance between us, and our last earthly encounter with our loved one. The only thing that seems to remain concrete is that grief is hard. There is just no eloquent, wordy way to put that...it's hard, it hurts, and it's always there...lurking. There are days I find myself thinking I have a handle on my emotions and my loss...and there are other days it feels as raw as the day she died. I find myself trying to "explain away" these days or moments with some sort of justification for why I am in tears, angry, or just overwhelmed with sadness. I will tell myself, "I am just sad because it's the 3 month anniversary", or "I am just ill because I can't call her to tell her what one of her grandchildren said", or "I'm just crying because dad sounded so sad tonight and I can't do anything to help him". All of the things I tell myself begin with an, "it's just because", as if by giving myself a reason to be feeling this way it will somehow excuse my feelings...but why? Why do we, as grievers, feel that we need to explain away our grief? Why do we feel that after a certain time frame that we should be all okay...and no longer struggle with sorrow? Why do we feel that we need to "keep it together" so that others will think we are doing okay? Perhaps it's pressure that we put on ourselves, because we aspire to be at a stronger point...a point where our heart no longer aches to hear the voice of the one who died...or to feel their embrace...or to see their smile. Maybe it's pressure we put on ourselves as believers...to not seem sad because we truly want to be joyful in all circumstances? Maybe it's our fear of being a burden to others by continuing to discuss our grief? Whatever the reason, I want to remind myself that "grief is just love...with nowhere to go". When we love deeply, we grieve deeply...and there is no way to stop loving someone simply because they are no longer here to love in the physical sense.
With mom's death, I have been given the honor of talking with so many people who have experienced a loss...and the one thing I continue to notice is how everlasting grief is. We don't conquer it, or outgrow it...it just becomes apart of our story, and we learn to manage it. Our stories are created by the greatest author of all...and it's through our stories that we are able to reveal the work of Christ in our lives. It's been through my journey of grief that I have made new friendships with those who have walked a similar path, and they have been such a source of hope and encouragement. Isn't it amazing the way God orchestrates friendships and meets our needs in such specific ways? My friendships with those closest to me have gotten deeper, as these friends have loved me through some dark moments...and it has certainly given me an even greater appreciation for friendship. While my friends have seen me at "my worst"...my Lord and Savior has seen me at my worst, loved me despite it, and died for me because of it. There are days that Satan tries to get me to start playing the "why me?" game...and the "why me" game will always lead me back to the greatest "why me" of all...why did He die for me? The same God who brought my sweet mama home to glory, is the same God who sent His Son to die on a cross to pay my ransom...and it's because of that "why me" that I will get to see my mom again one day. As Easter approaches, I am filled with peace as I consider Mom's first Easter in heaven...and I am filled with gratitude as I consider the cross.
I pray everyone has a Happy Easter. I want to thank all of you who take the time to read the ramblings of my heart. My hope is that we will all feel comfort in sharing our stories...because the Lord will use every bit of our story for His glory!
3/26/18
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